I often dread my endocrinologist appointments. But at the same time, I’m thankful for the 4 appointments each year. They’re forced moments of reflection, confrontation, and adjustment. Before each appointment, I consider how things are going. I know if the past 3 months have been good or bad. If it hasn’t been a good 3 months, it’s a time to confront myself and delve into why my numbers have been high or low or just all over the place. Sometimes it’s my own self-management habits that have slipped, other times it’s factors that are out of my control like getting sick. Then based on how things are going, I make adjustments along with my doctor and move forward.

Today was one of those appointments that I just wanted to get over with. The past month and a half has been rough. My numbers have been running high consistently. Between getting a pretty horrible cold that lingered, having to go on steroids for the sickness, stress from a breakup, adjusting to time changes of traveling, and then just a weird couple weeks where it seemed like my insulin wasn’t working as it normally does, I knew my doctor would be looking at some pretty awful numbers at our appointment.

Part of me is disappointed. I don’t like to be this off track. I don’t like knowing that I’m potentially doing lasting damage to my body, that I’m increasing my risk of complications. But I also know that life happens. There’s a lot that I can’t control and those events may unfortunately impact my health by way of my blood sugar. All I can do is my best to try to manage the consequences.

Diabetes is a chronic disease. It means that as of right now, I’m stuck with it for the long haul, it’s not going anywhere. And as much as I get caught up in these mini 3 month sprints between appointments, there’s a bigger picture. Three months is not very long when you look at a lifetime. And shit happens. There will be highs and lows in life just as there are in my blood sugar. I admit, I’ve had other things on my mind lately besides my diabetes and I’m sure that’s played a part. But I can’t control everything that happens, at some some point you have to let go and just do the best you can within your circumstances.

So yea, I’m not thrilled about this appointment and the past few months. But unfortunately there’s no re-do’s or rewinds with a chronic condition. What’s done is done. Now, I’m putting aside my excuses and focusing on moving forward.