F***!!!!

Anger is an interesting emotion. It heightens your senses, it gives you a physical reaction. It’s powerful. It can spur you to take action- for better or worse.

I’ve been feeling a lot of anger lately. But this anger feels different. I’ve been struggling to figure out what I can do with this anger, how I can channel it into something productive. Something that can solve the problem so there are less angry situations, something that will make me feel at ease. But what makes this anger different is that I feel completely trapped in the situation. It’s a situation with limited options to make it better, options that while might temper the anger, will have other negative consequences, potentially even to my health. I weigh these pros and cons and I feel a sense of helplessness.

With my new pump, I’ve been using new sensors. These sensors are what the pump relies on for blood sugar numbers to make decisions to give more or less insulin. They are what the defining feature of this pump is dependent on. These sensors are supposed to last 7 full days. This was already a disappointment as the sensors I was using before often lasted 10-14 days. In reality though, these sensors are lasting around 5 days on average before a new one needs to be inserted. And after day 4, for the rare ones that do last longer, they are becoming less accurate and need more calibrations. They end up waking me in the middle of the night when the calibration only lasts 6 hours instead of 12.

Yesterday, after wearing the sensor for 3 days, I got a message that the sensor was updating and then a message that said, “Change sensor. Sensor not working properly insert new sensor.” In that moment I was furious. I screamed obscenities in my head at my sensor and texted my boyfriend the picture of that screen with 10 emojis of the middle finger and angry faces.

So what’s the big deal changing a few days early?

1. It’s disruptive. It means the pump isn’t working to its full potential. It means until I change the sensor, I don’t have information about my blood sugar without poking my finger. So now I’m having to poke my finger more, I’m missing the data I rely on, and I’ll have to wait up to 2 hours for it to start again.
2. It’s a pain, literally. Sometimes the insertion hurts, and I don’t know about you, but I don’t like doing things that hurt more often than necessary.
3. It’s expensive. The faster you run through them, the sooner you have to order more. And they are not cheap.
4. It wastes time. Medtronic will replace many of the sensors, especially ones that stop working after only a few days. But this could mean being on the phone for anywhere between 20-45 minutes with the person. Then having to wait while they ship a new sensor out.
5. It’s supposed to work! Forgive me for thinking that the expensive medical device that I use is supposed to be reliable and consistent and accurate and cause less hassles, not more.

I understand that this particular pump is new, and by being one of the earlier people to get it, that there may still be kinks that they’re working out. But I also still feel like my anger is valid. So when I see that screen that tells me to change my sensor days before I should be, I get angry. But I also feel stuck because I made the decision to switch to this pump. And this is the reality. Can I get a different pump? Maybe? Might be a hard sell to my insurance who only covers new pumps every 3-5 years. Do I really want a different pump? I don’t know. When it’s working, the pump is great and truly is cutting edge.

So I’m stuck with a strong emotion that I don’t know how to productively channel. I’m pretty sure yelling F*** every time it happens doesn’t count. So what am I doing, what can I do about it? I’m speaking up. I’m telling my doctors what I’m experiencing, I’m blogging and telling you about it. I’m telling my Medtronic trainer. I’m telling anyone who asks me about the pump and is considering switching themselves. If improvements are going to be made, the company needs to know what’s not working. If people are going to switch to this pump (which I still encourage for all the benefits it does bring), I think they should be informed about the downsides too and have realistic expectations.

And until improvements are made, I’ll deal with my anger. And be thankful that I work from home when that involuntary “F***!” sneaks out after another sensor fails.