Tag Archives: obstacles

Feeling low

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I buried my head in my pillow, the soft fabric muffling my frustrated screams. I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

I was low. AGAIN. It seems to be the trend lately. My efforts to keep my blood sugars from spiking has resulted in more lows. Lows that seem unexpected because I really thought everything I was doing seemed right. Lows that have been incredibly disruptive, making me stop whatever activity I’m doing. Stubborn lows, that a couple glucose tablets don’t seem to solve. Lows that wake me up at night, lows that won’t go away, lows that leave me feeling awful. And upset. And frustrated.

I don’t want to treat the low. I’m tired of stuffing my face with sugar, not because I want it, but because I need it. I’m tired of working so hard in my workouts, only to have to later eat everything I burned off or sit out because I can’t continue with a low. I’m especially tired of eating when I’m not hungry and feeling awful while I wait for my blood sugar to stabilize.

I can see the extra weight creeping on, and I hate it. I hate that I don’t have a choice when I’m low. I hate that those forced extra 80 calories of my fruit snacks add up. I hate that insulin makes it harder to lose weight. I hate that these lows are often then leading to later highs, sending me on a blood sugar roller coaster. I hate not feeling my best.

I’ll talk to my doctor, I’ll make adjustments. We’ll work to get rid of these lows. But for now I just want to scream into my pillow and wish for the day when all of this will disappear. When sugar will just be sugar and not a substance that often feels like its controlling my life.

Some days, weeks, months are better than others. I’ll make it through this rut, I know I will, but today, right now, I really hate my diabetes.

Mission: Secure Lost Meters

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I sat in the car with that satiated, content feeling you get after a particularly satisfying meal. However, I was feeling extra thirsty, which was odd since the beer and multiple glasses of water should have been sufficient to quench my thirst. Tuning into my body, I realized it was the symptoms of a high blood sugar that I was experiencing.

I started digging around in my purse, looking for my CGM. I felt around in the endless abyss that is my work bag, but nothing was feeling familiar. My searching became more frantic. “Where is it?!” I thought. “It should be here!” Okay, well if I couldn’t find my CGM, I would at least test my finger so I could tell how high I was.

My hand went back into my bag, but again came up empty. Gigi AND my glucose monitor, both gone?! How could this be?? I started to panic slightly. I felt lost. Rarely am I without both my meters, no way to tell exactly how high I am and how much insulin to give. I could guess, but if I was way off, the consequences could be serious.

“I don’t know where my meters are, either of them. They should be here! I need them. What if I lost them?” Eyes wide, I dumped everything out of my purse, searching the surrounding area. But the search was futile.

“Relax,” said the voice of reason sitting next to me. “I’m sure they’re not lost. They probably fell out in your car.”

Yes. Yes, that would make sense. They’re probably in my car. But I don’t remember taking them out of my bag. But maybe they fell out without me noticing. I’m sure they’re there. Where else could they be?

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

The 10 minute drive back to my car seemed to drag on forever. I tried to enjoy the music and the company, but my mind was focusing on only one thought: finding my meters.

We arrived back at my car. I wanted to run and fling the door open, but I kept my composure. Of course they’d be there, what was the rush?

I opened the passenger door and picked up the coat on the seat. They weren’t there, either of them. I looked on the floor, in the back seat, between the seats, nothing. Defeated, my mind pictured Gigi abandoned on the side of the road. Who would find her? How would she be returned to me? Was she gone forever??

“I’m going to go check my office. Maybe I left them there.”

It wouldn’t have been the first time that I would have left Gigi under a pile of papers, out of sight and out of mind. We loaded into my car and drove across town on a mission to return my meters home safely. We pulled up to my darkened office, it was 10:30 at night and the only light was from the cleaning people finishing up for the evening. I walked inside, making my way through the darkness to my office. I lifted the papers scattered across my desk. Gigi! My beautiful CGM! I was so relieved. But where was my other glucose meter? I looked in the drawers, on the floor, and all around. It wasn’t anywhere.

I returned to the car, perplexed. It’s happened before that I’ve forgotten my glucose meter at home on my nightstand, where it sits over night. And it’s happened before when I’ve left my CGM at the office. But both in the same day?? I suppose it was possible, I needed to believe it was.

At this point I was feeling mad. I was mad at myself for being so forgetful. I was mad that my diabetes was being so disruptive, and in this case, I was to blame. Rather than being able to relax and enjoy my evening, I instead spent it in an anxious, sour mood driving across town. I was feeling bad for the guy I was with who insisted on accompanying me and for inconveniencing him as well.

“I’m sorry, I know this isn’t how we imagined spending the rest of the evening. Thank you for coming with me.”

“You don’t need to apologize. We got to go on an adventure together. I know you’ll find the other meter too.”

I drove home, ran up the stairs, and went straight to my bedroom. Sitting on my nightstand where I left it was my other meter. Relieved, I alerted my mission comrade that it had been secured and that all was well (except for my blood sugar).

Looking back, I’m still upset that I managed to leave both meters separately in different places, but that’s not what I’m going to choose to focus on. Instead, it was the attitude of the person that I was with that has stuck with me.

There are lots of times when my diabetes has ruined or altered plans that I had. Maybe it was a low that made me stop what I was doing, maybe it was forgetting supplies and having to drive back and get them, maybe it was running around trying to find a battery because my pump had died, or maybe it was just having to make different arrangements to accommodate my schedule or needs. It can be annoying, frustrating, and upsetting. But as I was reminded, you can’t let it ruin your plans, or your mood. Every cloud has a silver lining, a forgotten meter is a chance to go on an impromptu adventure. I’m just glad this mission ends with a smile.

Oh crepe!

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When I was first diagnosed, I carried a little book around with me to look up the carbohydrates of everything I ate. Since I didn’t always have access to the packaging of the food, I would look up every food and add up all the carbs in my meal. Now, that same information is available right on your smartphone. However, after adding up the carbs for thousands of meals over the years, I’ve memorized the majority of the foods I eat and have gotten pretty good at estimating.Yes, there are times when I over or underestimate, but I generally feel pretty confident in my abilities.

In fact, one could say that I’ve gotten a little too confident and maybe even lazy when it comes to carb counting these days. And this attitude is dangerous. Because when I am significantly wrong in my counts, the results can be pretty catastrophic. The continued importance of being accurate in my carb counting was made abundantly clear to me last week over a meal of crepes.

I was excited to try a new crepe restaurant for dinner with a coworker. Although I knew what a crepe is, I greatly over estimated the number of carbs for the thin pancake like wrap. While a typical crepe is about 10 carbs, I had figured it was at least double, thinking of it as more of a tortilla.

Everything was fine for awhile and I figured that I had successfully calculated the meal. I drove home and decided that I was going to go for a run, never mind that I was still really full from dinner. After my second mile, I started to feel off. I figured it was just from running on such a full stomach. I headed home and showered. It wasn’t until after I finished my shower that I realized that the weird feeling was feeling more like a low blood sugar. I checked my blood sugar. 34!! Ohhh crepe!

I treated the low and eventually felt better, but the experience was definitely a reminder that even after all these years, it’s still important to look up foods that I’m not as familiar with. It’s easy to fall into old habits of guessing and being a little lazy, but I realize it’s definitely worth the extra time to look something up in the beginning than to deal with a low blood sugar later. Next crepe, I’ll be ready.

Oh the Irony

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I have this ritual. Almost every time that I go for a long grocery shopping trip, I treat myself to a cold bottle of diet A&W root beer on my way out. I don’t drink a ton of pop and root beer has always been one of my favorites. Having performed this ritual enough times, I’ve come to recognize the diet bottle just from the color of it. I was finishing up a particularly epic grocery shopping trip and grabbed the A&W from the cooler as I got in line to pay, confident that it was the right one.

Parched from my long shopping excursion, I got into my car and immediately cracked open the pop and starting chugging, relishing the cool and refreshing taste. With half the bottle gone, I glanced down at the bottle. Something was off. I didn’t see the “Diet” sign anywhere! Shit.

Two thoughts immediately crossed my mind. Well technically first I silently cursed myself. But then my first thought was “What a waste of calories!!” followed by, “Holy crap that’s a lot of sugar!” A bottle of regular A&W root beer is a whopping 80 carbs! And here I had just drank close to half.

I took out my insulin pump and immediately started figuring out how much insulin to give. It looked like I drank half, but the top half of the bottle is skinnier than the bottom half, so maybe its not actually 40 carbs. I decided to subtract some to account for bottle shape and gave myself some insulin.

Within 5 minutes Gigi (my CGM) was already buzzing, displaying the two upward arrows showing that my blood sugar was rising quickly. I cursed again. Maybe I should give a little more insulin. I could just picture my blood sugar rocketing to the 300’s. I was pissed. What a stupid, careless mistake. Really I was thinking that if I was going to have that many calories and sugar, I would have preferred ice cream or at least a root beer float!

I went about my afternoon and tried to put the incident behind me. That is until about an hour and a half later.

Something wasn’t right. Gigi was being quiet, but all of the sudden I did not feel well. I got out my glucose meter and tested my finger. 37. Ummm what?! The low caught me off guard, as I was sure that I had given the appropriate amount of insulin according to the label. I needed sugar, and fast.

The bottle that only an hour earlier I was cursing, was now my salvation.

Ohhh the irony.

Diabetes Art Day 2014

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I’m so pleased to be participating in the 5th Annual Diabetes Art Day! This is my second year participating. Art has always been valuable to me in my life as a form of expression, and I love creating art with a purpose. It’s a way to express thoughts or feelings that can sometimes be hard to articulate when it comes to my diabetes, and Diabetes Art Day is a great opportunity to share those feelings through a unique medium.

This year my piece is called “The Low Journey”. It’s an abstract interpretation of what low blood sugar feels like for me using sharpie and water colors. It begins in the first picture with the realization that you are going low, that dark, confusing feeling of being disoriented and out of sorts. The feeling is confirmed with a finger poke and reading on the meter. In the next picture, the treatment of the low is depicted. I use fruit snacks to treat my lows. Then comes the agonizing 15 minutes of waiting to feel better, but feeling helpless in the mean time. Finally, the last picture shows how the dark clouds hanging over you eventually begin to lift as your blood sugar returns to normal and the sun finds its way through the dark clouds.

The Low Journey
Thank you to Lee Ann Thill from the Butter Compartment for organizing Diabetes Art Day. Be sure to check out everyone’s wonderful submissions in the 2014 Diabetes Art Day Gallery!

Diabetes Art Day 2013

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Today is Diabetes Art Day, and my first time participating. I’m so glad that I learned about this opportunity as I am quite excited to be combining my creativity and love of art with such an important part of my life, my diabetes.

Taken from the website, here is a description of the initiative:

“Diabetes Art Day is a web-based initiative for the Diabetes Online Community to “tell a story” about life with diabetes though creative visual expression. It’s a way for us to tell our stories so we can connect and share with each other and with our loved ones. It’s a way to generate diabetes awareness outside of the DOC (diabetes online community) by sharing artwork on Facebook, Twitter, blogs and community websites…Diabetes Art Day is for you to show the world what it’s like to live with diabetes in that “a picture is worth 1000 words” kind of way.”

I’ve never really been one to sketch out my work before I begin. I always just start and see where the picture takes me. And that’s exactly what I did. Here is the final result:

 
Depicted in my artwork are three fishlike creatures, representing the dark and mysterious unknowns of diabetes in general and of the daily management of it. These ominous creatures are always swimming and lurking, whether in darkness or in light. They feed on the blood sugars, shown here as a school of CGM arrows. The varying directions of the arrows shows the ups and downs of my blood sugar, as they swim through and around difficulties and obstacles. The repetitiveness of the arrows also signify the repetitive nature of the disease: blood sugar testing, carb counting, bolusing, blood sugar testing, carb counting, bolusing, etc. The light and colorful background is in stark contrast to the dark creatures, showing that hope and light can and does still exist. Finally, the intermittent patches of tape say that even though there are unknowns and moments of darkness and fear, I will stick with it and take care of myself and my diabetes.
Working on this artwork was a truly positive experience. It allowed me to take some time to reflect on what it is I wanted to share about living with diabetes and how I wanted to accomplish that visually. It had been a while since I had done anything artistic and I appreciated having such a positive purpose behind my work.
I hope that you will take some time to look at some of the other wonderful pieces submitted by people living with diabetes, found on the Diabetes Art Day website.
 

The Travel Bug

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I love to travel. As I write this, I’m sitting on a plane on my way to Boston. Whether it’s to a new city or different country, I love the experience of visiting a different place. There is so much to absorb when you go somewhere new; food, fashion, language, culture, art, music, architecture, and scenery, just to name a few. I’ve traveled far distances (Australia, New Zealand, Nepal), for long amounts of time (6 months in England) and on many different forms of transportation (planes, trains, buses, boats, cars). While there are inherent challenges to any type of traveling, traveling with diabetes does present some additional obstacles.
The first is packing. Between my meters, insulin pump, and CGM, I need to travel with a lot of supplies. I always take more than I think I need. For instance, if I will need to change my infusion set twice while I’m gone, I’ll bring at least 2 extra sets with me, if not more. You never know if there will be something wrong with the supplies so it’s always better to have extra. I also always bring extra test strips, batteries, syringes, tape, insulin, and of course fruit snacks. I try to fit most of my supplies in my carry on bag, and not a checked bag. If I can’t fit it all, I at least have enough to last a week. I’ve had luggage get lost and not be returned for days, if I didn’t have my supplies with me, I don’t know what I would have done.
Most of the time I don’t have any trouble going through airport security. I usually disconnect my pump and keep it in the bin when I go through, but I’ve also left it attached and just explained what it was and that it was connected to me, and everything was fine. The only time I was ever questioned was when I was flying to Nepal. I had to explain why I had syringes in my bag. Once I explained that it was for my diabetes, there wasn’t any problem.
The last part about traveling is one that I often forget about, changes in time zones. For places where the time difference is 3, 6, 12, or even 14 hours, it’s very important to change the time on my meters and pump. Since I get different amounts of insulin throughout the day and have different carb ratios, left unchanged, things can get very off schedule and mess with my blood sugar levels. I made the mistake of not changing the time on my meter while I was on vacation in Australia and New Zealand. It wasn’t until I had my appointment with my endocrinologist when I got back a week later that I realized that all my readings would be useless since it was completely off schedule. What was a reading taken at 2 in the afternoon showed up as 4 am. It was hard to make any adjustments when everything was so off.
Traveling can be stressful, exhausting, frustrating and overwhelming. That alone is enough to disrupt my blood sugar levels. Even with as much traveling as I’ve done, I still get anxious from time to time with figuring out logistics. One thing that I think every traveler learns is to be flexible. Things happen unexpectedly when you travel, there are delays, cancellations, miscommunication, wrong directions, etc. I’ve learned to become flexible with my diabetes as well, sometimes having to change my infusion set in bathroom stalls or treating a low while rushing through a busy terminal.
When you need your supplies to survive, you learn to make them a priority. They are at the top of every packing list, first into any bag, and always on my mind. Whether I am leaving my house, hotel, or walking through airport security, I always do that awkward pat down, except I’m not checking for my wallet or phone, I’m making sure I have my insulin pump and meters.
I don’t have the option to leave my diabetes at home, but I refuse to stay home with it. I’m going places, and you better believe that it’s coming along for the ride!